Tuesday, August 18, 2020

August

 



It suddenly slips sideways.

How did that happen?

So recently our pictures were,

Still perfect.


Am I remembering it all wrong?

Looking through a lens,

Unfocused.

Missing the point.


I struggle with the idea that,

This is not worth more.

I stumble over the thought,

That it hasn’t been enough.


Am I remembering that wrong?

You know my memory is useless.

That’s why I take the photos.

But context is flexible. 


I can’t see tomorrow and,

I don’t think that you want to.

How did that happen?

You’re still perfect.


This empty room is not mine,

An empty place.

Somewhere we used to be.

Recently, suddenly, sideways.


But I’m probably remembering

That wrong too.



Tuesday, July 30, 2019

HEADER COLLECTION

     There is a much earlier post titled "Headers" where I decided to collect all the blog headers that I have made over the years but for whatever reason I only included one photo. Now, as I'm changing the header once again I wanted to go back and see all the old ones. I was thinking they were collected in that older post. It's irritating to be let down. It's especially infuriating when you're the cause of it all! So... I went through all my old folders and hard drives looking for as many old headers as I could find. I found ten. That seems a small amount to me because making the "cover" is always the most fun and I can't imagine that I don't do it more often. Two of these ten may not actually have ever been used. I can't remember now and since I'm completely rubbish at keeping up with this thing, no one will ever know. 

A Norfolk Southern empty train works its way south along Route 7. I chased the train for a while from Steubenville, down towards Martins Ferry. 

This might just be my favorite photo of Ruby that I've made. We were on our way to play at a park in Steubenville and as we got out of the car I gave her my sunglasses because it was so bright. I see so much of myself in her eyes. Can a knitted brow be genetic?

One year old Lucy holds onto her Momma. We are at Mimi and Pops house in  Cadiz, OH.

I'm just guessing at this point, but this is probably my train after getting off at Crestline, OH. Not at all a great photo but I surely took it because foreign units aren't all that common on our subdivision. 

This is a photo from the model railroad club in my hometown of Coshocton, OH. The three locomotives definitely belong to my Dad as well as most (if not all) of the autoracks being pulled behind them. For as long as I can remember, my Dad has spent every Friday night with his hobby.

This is one of the headers that I'm not sure I ever used...

...and this is the other one.

Hotel life. On occasion I screw my determination up high enough to bring all my gear with me when I go to work. Once I get to the hotel it's another internal battle to set it all up and actually produce something. This image was taken in Findlay, OH. It was a Super8 hotel room I think. Digital and analog tools for writing and mark making are contrasted with my well worn railroad boots.

This is the old railroad depot near my childhood home in Coshocton, OH. It has since been torn down. Dad told me that this building was only one of few that had remained from a very old narrow gauge line that ran through Coshocton.

Monday, December 10, 2018

EPIC RANDOM RESOLUTION

Brett Beighley and Bunker, photographed while hiking the Mineral Springs Loop in 
Raccoon Creek State Park, PA. - photo by Marci Beighley, April 12th, 2015

12.10.18
   I was thin, I was healthier, and my dog was still my dog. 
   Honestly, I just fucking looked better all around. 
   I need to want to really be this person again. Somehow, I have to pull from within my sedentary self the necessity of being him. Again, with self honesty being a dull penetrating blade here, I’m not all that great at committing to activity. I would be rubbish at starting any revolution. This portrait of me though, which Marci took while we were on a hike, is like a photograph of a long dead friend. This photo, which in its own right is a fantastic and well made image, is a goddamn memorial to someone else who I have the potential but not the dedication to be. Where do I find the need? How can I force the adherence to repetitive motions? Am I stupidly doomed to wait for a full blown cardiac moment? Must I wind up in a hospital recovery room with my loved ones standing over my scarred chest and looking at me with the pity and knowledge that I came so very close to complete nonexistence? Or, and this is the monster that haunts my closet, is there some recessed part of my consciousness that wants the drama of a proper crescendo? If I’m dead and gone, imagine the weight such a loss would give to my works. Universes of intent and meaning would immediately and irresistibly  be passed on to my survivors. These dark thought drifts through my recognitions and I worry that they might be truths. 
   I miss my dog. I miss being that thin. I’m over forty and miss being younger. So much longing and nostalgia which I cannot, for some damned reason, turn into fuel to burn forward into a future long and meaningful. I’m not asking for help. I would somehow resent the sympathy and so please accept my apologies. Here amidst these few lines I have tried to vent a piece of anxiety out of myself and I’ve made note of at least a small desire to be better than I am at this moment. So, as this year and its twelve ridiculously short months wind down to an end which is as inevitable as mine, let me try yet once again to resolve to certain commitments. Shall I put first, for once and forever more, the needs of those who love me? No, absolutely not. I feel its need. Its ultimatum. There needs to exist some selfishness. I must develop some small amount of outward narcissism. 
   Ugh… even as I contemplate it I become exhausted and want to quit. 



Tuesday, December 4, 2018

Tis the Season

Marci decorates the tree in our Wexford, PA. apartment while Elfie keeps an eye on the festivities.

12.04.18
   The girls are working on putting up the Christmas tree tonight. It is not a real tree. It’s a fake and, because I have a horrible memory, I can’t remember when Marci and I got it. She may have even picked it up without me. It’s the second Christmas tree that Marci and I have had since we’ve been married. Two fake trees in thirteen years. That’s not too bad, right? It’s a nice fake tree as far as fake trees go. It’s thin so as to fit into our apartment. It tucks nicely into the corner. At first, I thought that it looked as if the branches were frosted (well, fake frosted) but Marci pointed out that it wasn’t at all frosted. It was just short of frayed out to look more like a naturally soft evergreen. A thin, soft, pre-lit and easily assembled fake Christmas tree which is almost too small to hold all of our ridiculously sentimental ornaments. We have too many decorations! We have ones from our first Christmas together, one for each girl when they were born, one for each vacation and ones that were homemade by each of us. There are bulbs and garland that Marci and I bought forever ago and some “retro” baubles that bring back memories of when I was a kiddo. There is simply not enough room to put all the decorations that we have onto our second fake tree, and we could never possibly thin out our collection. Too many moments and memories are attached to each precious bulb or figurine. So… put them all on!

A close up look at some of our tree's ornaments.

   I can remember the tree from my youth. It was always the same one. My dad would bring it up from the basement in its raggedy box. The thing was already ancient by the time that I was old enough to remember it. There were these two bare green-painted poles that pinned together and then bolted into a metal stand. All along the poles were these drilled out holes. In each hole you could almost make out the last fragment of colored paint that corollated to the viciously sharp metal end of the branches. I think the red colored branch tips were the biggest bottom ones and the white tipped ends went into the highest parts of the pole. I remember a faded yellow that got confused with the white and there were the impossible to see blue ones to match up. My dad would curse and swear at all the pieces. He would growl and grunt and sweat as he violently forced all the parts together into the familiar form of our family Christmas tree. Because I was the youngest and had the smallest hands, it was my job to reach in among the bristled branches and plug together the green colored extension cord that ran up to the top of the tree where the star sat. My father, frustrated and exhausted, would plop down on the couch and watch as the rest of us applied all of our treasured ornaments and the strands of wildly colored lights. By the time we had finished, his mood had come back around to one of holiday merriment and the whole family would bask in the warm happy glow of our decorated tree. 

Ruby Lynn hangs some decorations. On the front of the tree in this view (bottom right) is a handmade ornament that Lucy made when she was only six years old.

   Like most people and like most memories, neither is perfect. The memories I have of Christmases long, long ago are a combination of both warmth and fury. It all seemed like so much trouble but in the end everyone seemed willing to sacrifice for the event. It’s all completely normal, I guess. Neither unique to myself or an era, the memories I have perhaps seem similar to most. I hope that my girls can grow up to have warm memories of their early holidays. Maybe theirs can be filled with a touch less swearing and cursing if I try hard enough to be as unlike my father as all boys wish they were. 
   Merry Christmas to my beautiful little family, you girls are the very best gift anyone could have ever hoped for. 

Lucy Marie takes her turn hanging some decorations on the tree.

Saturday, January 6, 2018

Metle Detector

Writer, artist, painter, sculptor, poet, seamstress... constant creator. All in one morning. Thankful for snow days because as Lucy says, "School just takes up too much of my creative time." [ M ]

As soon as she wakes up she will go straight to her little area in our apartment and start making something new or finish a project that didn't get done the night before. It's amazing to see her drive. It's inspiring and sometimes a little overwhelming. Lucy's creative needs are like an empty pit that we are perpetually trying to fill. She is so obviously talented that Marci and I are desperate to keep her interested in making stuff. In a way, both Marci and I are trying to give Lucy all the space and material that we wish we might've had at her age.
Marci captured this photo of Lucy in her natural habitat perched on top of a little table surrounded by crayons, markers, pens and endless amounts of paper. Our apartment in Wexford is small but Marci is exceptionally gifted at space management and has set aside this dedicated creative area which Lucy lovingly refers to as her "art space." On this particular January day it was only 8° outside and the girls' school had been cancelled. Lucy is once again busy in her space making another drawing about her latest obsession; Robots. 

Lucy's drawing of a robot she named "Metle Detector." January 6, 2018

Marci and I cannot figure out where or why Lucy became interested in them but lately she has taken to drawing sketches of different robots and machines. She seems particularly interested in the mechanics of them and how they might be built to perform different tasks. She has been asking for building materials so she can construct the robots from her drawings. 
Today she made Metle Detector and when I asked her about her newest robot she gave me the following instructions. 
“First, twist the little knob there.” she said and pointed to the first rounded lever of her robot. "Then, you go to this cog and it will go to, like, that spinny-thing that's full of yarn." Lucy excitedly pointed to other various details in her schematic and continued the explanation. "Then, if you hit the other cog, it will hit the bell. The bell will make a fun noise. If you spin the spinny-thing full of yarn it will go up to a hook and hold onto a magnet that will find all the metal.”
Lucy has made dozens of these drawings already. There is a whole armada of Lucy made robots ready to spin and whirl and buzz and make fun noises. I can't wait to see what she makes tomorrow!


Sunday, December 31, 2017

OLD SOUL

     Before Ruby was ever born we somehow already knew her. We had her name picked out, we seemed to know her personality and we had this painting. This painting was spooky and beautiful and it showed us our daughter long before she became a reality. Marci and I would look at this painting and could imagine our future. When Ruby was born, when she became a real little girl, this painting would become even more spooky and beautiful because it looked so much like her! The little cheeks, the pursed little lips, the chubby belly and even the way the little girl curved her toes. This was a painting of Ruby! 


Painting of a little girl that Marci and I had long before Ruby was born. 

     Then, just the other day, we were at Marci's parent's house for a belated Christmas celebration. Their house is a giant old farmhouse that they have filled with amazing painting and photographs. Each time we visit I feel like I see a dozen new pieces hanging on the walls and this last time I saw a new photograph. In the picture, which seemed to be from the 1920s maybe, was a mother sitting with her little girl. There she was again! That's Ruby! The same cheeks, the same smile and the same little toes. Even the little girl's expression is exactly the same as Ruby's.


Photograph of a Mother and a little girl who looks just like Ruby.

     It's uncanny that these images look so much like my little girl. Does Ruby just have one of those faces? The kind that seem familiar to everyone? Perhaps, because I'm her Dad and think that she couldn't possibly be more unique, I can't see how common her features are. Or maybe, because I've never loved a face so much, I see it everywhere. Maybe Ruby is just an old soul. The perfect kind of soul that is filled with so much kindness and love that it has to exist constantly throughout time. Either way, being her Dad and knowing her is something that I couldn't be more thankful for. 
     As this year comes to an end I find myself thankful for both my girls. Being a Dad is something no one can be prepared for. It is impossibly rewarding and filled with endless love and dedication. Ruby and Lucy are simply the best things I've ever been a part of and I could never have known what real love is without them. A new year with them in it is the best thing I could hope for. 


Ruby Lynn Beighley in our apartment in Wexford, PA., New Year's Eve 2017

Thursday, December 28, 2017

Maybe Try Harder


Ruby Lynn Beighley Laughing #1, photo by Marci Beighley. December, 2107


Ruby Lynn Beighley Laughing #2, photo by Marci Beighley. December, 2107


Ruby Lynn Beighley Laughing #3, photo by Marci Beighley. December, 2107


Lucy Marie Beighley in Natural Light, photo by Marci Beighley. December, 2107

     Maybe I could try harder. It's close to the end of the year and of course I'm feeling the need to make a list of all the things I want to change about myself. Resolutions. Do they ever work? Could I stick to them this time around? 
     Marci took these photos of the girls. She is an amazing photographer with the innate ability to capture those precious moments that we all take for granted. I'm so jealous of these photos. I should be doing more with a camera. I should be trying harder. 
     I give myself so many projects. Too many perhaps. I have an embarrassing amount of started and unfilled journals. I have a dauntingly expansive folder of images that I want to edit. I have so many books that I want to make... so many. 
     So this new year that's about to start, this millennia of MMXVIII, maybe my resolutions won't be forgotten by the second week. Here's to hope. 

Friday, May 26, 2017

HONOR GIRLS

Ruby Lynn Beighley, age 9. 3rd Grade Honor Roll Graduate. May 25th, 2017.

   Yesterday Marci, Lucy and I attended an Honors Ceremony for Ruby. She and the other 3rd graders who achieved Honor Roll status were celebrated at a special event at the school. The stage at Pugliese West Elementary was decorated with large numerical balloons and name badges for all the kids on stage. (For some reason that we can't figure out, the color scheme seemed to be black and gold instead of the normal black and red school colors. Go Pens?)
   Like all events at that school we all showed up very early so that we could get a seat as close to the front as possible. Honestly, you've never encountered anything like the seat situation at the school. I've had less difficulty trying to get close to the front of Pearl Jam concert! 
   The kiddos all got to come down and shake hands with their teachers, who gave them certificates of achievement and graduation. Ruby had told us earlier that this would be the "most boring ceremony" that they had done at school yet, but for us it was fun to see Ruby all dressed up on stage! 

Ruby on stage next to her friend Anna during the Honor Roll ceremony.

   While this particular celebration was for Ruby's 3rd grade class, she is not the only Beighley girl who made the Honor Roll this year. Lucy also was in the top of her class, and like her big sister before her, made it into the Enrichment classes. Marci and I are so very proud of these kiddos. They work so hard every day! They come home from a long day and then sit right down to work on their homework. They study hard for all their spelling and math tests, and try their best on all sorts of reports and projects. 

GREAT JOB GIRLS! YOU ARE AWESOME!


Ruby Lynn and Lucy Marie Beighley hugging. Both are Honor Roll Students! 


Tuesday, November 15, 2016

NOVEMBER

Looking East passed the receiving yard, Willard, OH. sometime or another in 2016.
This year is spinning down to a close faster than I expected. Turkey day will be in a minute or two and then ol' Saint Nick does his thing. The snow will come soon. The cold will come along with it, and the ice, and the darkness too. Seems like it's always dark this time of year. It's dark for a long time and then it's time to do taxes. Not my favorite time. Used to like it when I was a kid. But grown up winters suck!

Monday, July 11, 2016

Oh, Lucy...

Lucy Marie finds another frog friend.
You are such an incredible little person. At one moment you are so quiet and small and your whole world swirls in your own mind. You are content with yourself and the stories you make. Then, the next moment, everything needs to stop and hear what you have to say. And if the world doesn't stop when you demand it? Oh, wow...

I love you so much!